Why do I feel nothing?

When I was an adolescent, I loved the Star Trek series. I particularly admired Mr. Spock. Spock was logical and his life was not complicated by emotions. He never felt the pain of romantic rejection, or pride, or closeness to anyone or anything. He was my ideal!

About as emotional as he got!

As a therapist, I will often have clients who come to me as they are accused of being Spock like. They claim they don't really have emotions and simply get on with life. I am often asked this question when I am dealing with couples. There is often one who is silent and the other wants to know what is wrong. Comedians like Zarna Garg, have hilarious advice on marriage which is 'we dont talk, we dont need to know what does on in the others head!'

However, it is an issue for many of us who feel not heard or silent. What I have found is that this issue or response, is a learned response. As children we would run to our parents for validation. We fell off our bicycle or someone in school was mean to us. In some cases our emotional distress is igored, we are told not to be dramatic and we get the impression that our feelings are simply not important and we no longer feel safe.

This is particularly the case if we were raised in an alcoholic family where our feelings are almost always discounted and we don't know how they will be received. In other cases, we may have a self absorbed parent who is perhaps only dimly aware of our existence.

We get married and these habits stay with us. We are accused of not loving the other, or simply not being there. However, we are not in distress. Being quiet was what we always were since childhood. We are efficient and good at our job but we freeze when asked the deadly question 'what are you feelig"

Those who suffer from this need to learn how to identify their moods and to feel safe enough to express their feelings. We all know anger, but what does the body tell us when we are depressed? We may chalk it up to a hard day, or being tired, or having aches because we are getting older. These are some of the many symptoms of depression. Do we feel safe enough to tell someone "I think I may be depressed?"

Aother common emotion is fear, This is often expressed in terms of anxiety. We are nervous, we over calculate, we run our words a thousand times in our head. We repeat ourselves endlessly but what is the emotion? Typically, it is fear. What do we fear? Is it abadonment, or not being heard.

Mr. Spock was never in distress, but then again, he never loved either.